Afraid to Succeed

[Mike K]

Are you? I think that I am very much afraid of succeeding at weight lose. It is irrational and insane and I don't understand it. Can others who might feel similarly come in here and discuss their thoughts with me? Thanks.

[CW]

I've always had a fear of success. I just get the feeling that something bad will come and cancel out any victories.
It may cause me to behave in a way that makes it a self fulfilling prophecy.
CW

[Ginger23]

Mike - it's NOT irrational or insane. I think it's more commonplace than you might expect. I also think it is closely tied to our feelings of self worth. There is something there deep down inside that is making us feel as if we don't deserve to succeed. The simple solution to the problem is to figure out what that is and work on it - simple, but not so simple. And downright painful sometimes. I'm beginning to feel like eating and weight issues are just a symptom of a bigger problem that needs to be dealt with and that I won't fully succeed until I am brave enough to tackle it.

[Kosciusko]

In my case, fear of success with WW isn't so much about self worth as it is about self identity. It's a fear of losing who I am, who I have always been.

If I'm no longer a fat person or a person who is struggling with weight issues, who am I? And where did that other life-long part of me go?

So, for me, it's been about changing how I think of myself and realigning my self-identity. And that has taken some time.

Kos

[dinahmom]

And the weight is surely armor. Without it, I feel exposed. I AM exposed. As an obese woman, I was invisible. Now I am beginning to be visible. It IS SCAREY! I wonder if what men give up when they lose the weight is the same? I wonder if there's a certain amount of power that comes with the size? Or if obese men are also invisible?
And the struggle is so invigorating...but arrival at goal? Remember that Peggy Lee song "is that all there is?" A certain disillusionment: weight is not the issue. Well it's the issue as far as health and physically getting around, but slender does not equal happiness, and so you have that whole can of worms to deal with.
I love therapy.
As the weight has come off (and I'm no longer smoking), I have had to deal with anxiety and panic attacks that I was evidently medicating with eating and smoking.
So yeah, we have a lot to deal with! We are so interesting and complicated, don't you think?
Thanks for bringing this up Mike!

kd

[Mike K]

I would be a normal size person if I lost weight. I would no longer be "big man" or "big daddy" hehe... That's no fun...

Actually if I got to 200 lbs I would still be twice my DW's size and I am sure I would be a force to reckon with. Time to start creating that new identity and showing light on the fear.

Fear is delusion. It is an aversion to something that hasn't even happened yet. Deep.

[CW]

We are so interesting and complicated, don't you think?

I like that spin!
CW

[Mike K]

Here is something I found on the Internet (will provide the link below):

"If you are an overeater, the darkness and compulsive behaviors around your inner secrets are the devices that have saved your life. It takes a lot of trust and courage to know that you can survive without them. When you rally your trust and courage to begin to explore your own darkness you embark on the next phase of your triumphant journey. " -- Joanna Poppink, M.F.C.C

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/arti.../edcgmore.html

This is half way through a therapists online help guide for overeating. It seems really powerful. I have often talked about having a "dark side" and this speaks to that.

[Mike K]

makes me wonder if something deep and bad happened to me when I was a child. I know I always "get away with things" so I know that has become a part of my identity over time... But I am also proud of myself being much better in dealing with people being conscious of always avoiding lying or mistruths... hmm

[WWCarol]

Fear is delusion. It is an aversion to something that hasn't even happened yet. Deep.

Wow. I love that.

I'm really afraid of my fears () and have given them a lot of control.

I kept this quote to shine a light on fear:

"Boogey-man~ If you're going to get me, then just jump on my a@@ 'cause I ain't runnin' another minute, another hour, another day." -Dr. Phil

You can work on losing weight while you work on your fears. That would be a successful combination, I'd bet.


.

[Blackbeard]

I think as I lose weight I lose my excuses, especially the excuses for why I'm still single. If I can't blame it on my weight then there must be something wrong with me as a person.

[Mike K]

Blackbeard, I don't really see your logic. Don't be so down on my platoon-mate. I'll have to rough you up. LOL.

Edit:Just kidding by the way.

[Mike K]

For me, one issue I have is I can help people until the cows come home, but my own issues get buried, unconscious design on my part... Frustrating...

[CW]

Dealing with others problems can be a profound way to avoid dealing with our own.

The choices are fight or flee. And, that is really not a choice at all.
CW

[Mike K]

But CW it is a choice. A person can hurt themselves. Or a person can not hurt themselves. There is a choice there. Some people lack the ability at least at the moment to pull themselves out of hurtful patterns. That fact sets them apart as addicted to overeating...

Fight one's problems by delving into painful repressed emotion or flee by eating. Overeaters (I) flee by habit.

[SSKatie]

Wow, you guys, this is extremely interesting. I've been pondering all this for years and years. One thing I found is that when I lost from 280 to 130 when I was in my mid 20's, I felt exposed (like Kathy said) and WEAK because I lacked "bulk." I also felt like I took up less space = less value and importance. Maybe some females don't feel the "bulk" thing, but I did. I equate bulk with strength, which I suppose can be partially true. Due to inattention to my eating, I gained all that weight back and more, but then lost about 150 again in my mid 40's -- THIS time, I began lifting weights and getting stronger, which made a huge difference for me mentally. I believe I would have continued on that path had I not hurt my back and got discouraged. I'm still working on the "getting smaller BUT ALSO STRONGER" issue.

I'm also working on ACTING the part of someone who is 150 -- not just sitting here waiting for the weight to fall off and expect to magically get up and be a new person.

[ellen1954]

Mike, from the Fab 40's--thought it applied to your issue.
Pain and pleasure

You always have the ability to change your life for the better. To take the specific actions that will bring about that change, you must find the motivation within yourself to do so. To create your own powerful, personal motivation, set yourself up to do two things that come naturally. Move away from pain and move toward pleasure.

If something is painful, you will be highly inclined to move away from it. So remind yourself at the deepest level about the painful consequences of not taking action, of not making the changes you know you must make.

When something is pleasurable, you will naturally and without hesitation move toward it. Arrange to make the changes so completely and meaningfully pleasurable that you cannot help but take the actions necessary to bring them about.

When you give yourself a compelling reason to change, you will most certainly find the way to make those changes. When you clearly know why, within the depth of your being, you will figure out how, and you'll enthusiastically do whatever must be done.

Yes, you can indeed make a positive change in your life right now. Move away from the pain of inaction and toward the pleasure of whatever you sincerely seek.

-- Ralph Marston

[SSKatie]

Ellen, that quote makes me look at this journey in a WHOLE new different way. Why in the world would we even TAKE this journey if it's not going to lead to pleasure, happiness, and satisfaction on the other end?? I don't think any of us would intentionally inflict any suffering and/or discomfort on ourselves for no reason at all! Thing is...the unpleasantness at times that precedes the benefits is what is hard to stay mentally prepared to handle.

I guess each of us has to answer this question for themselves .... I'm going to work on answering it for myself. (Thank you!)

[WWCarol]

Fight one's problems by delving into painful repressed emotion or flee by eating. Overeaters (I) flee by habit.

(Peeking in again on this interesting discussion )

Dr. P has said, initially the overeating serves a purpose. A good purpose.

Over time it becomes a habit that is extremely difficult to change. Even after it is no longer useful...


.

[CW]

(Peeking in again on this interesting discussion )

Dr. P has said, initially the overeating serves a purpose. A good purpose.

Over time it becomes a habit that is extremely difficult to change. Even after it is no longer useful...


.

That is my point. When it becomes 'no longer useful' we have to be smarter then our habits and emotions and make the only clear choice. Fight!
CW

[darkscore]

I have a couple of thoughts about this, because it is a subject that I've often pondered. The first thought is that as a child I seldom participated in sports because I wasn't good at them. To this day, I'm not good at joining in on sports or games that I'm not good at, even if I know that the other participants aren't either, or are just having fun and won't judge me. To transfer this attitude to weight loss, if I don't join the game then I won't look foolish, will I? It doesn't matter that my other WL buddies won't and don't judge me, I judge myself and am still afraid of looking foolish, or worse FAILING.

The 2nd thought is that I tend to be a very controlled and somewhat controlling person. I am successful at work because I'm able to keep things organized and able to handle a lot of things at the same time. At home, the house is almost always neat and everything is in its place. Things get completed on certain days at certain times and I tend to get cranky when my schedule gets disrupted. No, I'm not a really freaky OCD person who measures the distance between the cans in the pantry, but I do exhibit some OCD tendencies. Just yesterday, I was wondering if my inability to sometimes control my food intake was a deliberate attempt to rebel against myself. Kind of myself saying 'hey, I can't control everything'. I'm not really explaining this very well, I haven't had time to think it all out yet.

[Ginger23]

Donna - interesting thought towards the end of your post. Kind of like anorexia and bulimia in reverse so to speak. From what I've read over the years most of the time the root cause of those disorders is a desire to gain control over SOMETHING in that person's life. If your life is controlled to the point you indicate it is, then is your inner self rebelling and saying "dang it, there has to be some relief somewhere!"? Am I understanding what you are saying?

I'm finding this discussion very interesting ...

[KimberleyW]

So many things I agree with here. I think, like Donna said, it's a matter of rebelling against self-control sometimes. It's the inner brat reflex.

I also agree that it can serve as a "jinx buster". If something always has to be going slightly wrong, might as well be the food/body weight rather than something else. Speaking personally, I have a dream life. The only negative thing in my life is my continual struggle with my weight/food. I get down below my WWGW and then eat my way back above it and continue in that fashion every single month. Why can't I just get to my lowest and stay there? Why does that have to mean that something else will come around for me to struggle with? Honestly, I think that's it for me-- I can handle living the rest of my life gaining and losing the same 10lbs. If that's the worst thing that ever happens to me from here on out, I'll be golden. Why can't I just maintain my weight and enjoy everything coming up cherries? Who says that there always has to be *something* going wrong?

[Hanna]

WoW! What an interesting and powerful dicussion! Thanks for starting it Mike!

I have definately struggled with, and continue to struggle with, my fear of success. For me it's two fold (at least) and closely linked to my fear of failure.

On one hand, I am afraid of success because I am afraid that success will lead people to expect more of me, and that I then will not be able to live up to the expectations. Which in my head means that I would be worthless. So I am afraid to succeed because it will lead to futire failures.

On the other hand, I am afraid of who I will be when I get to goal. Some of you might remember that I did, and then, when I had nothing left to struggle with, I created other things, bringing disaster and havoc to my life. I was /am afraid that sitting back and be happy is not allowed for me, and doing so will bring on even more horrible things. I also have a tendency to think that I am being measured by different standards that everyone else, and that I *have* to be successful in order to deserve to exist. So purposefully (is that a word?) being less than successful is a way to challange that thought. Because really I WANT to find the proof that I am worthy of being happy.

The Ralph Marston quote was very good. We need to make goal positive. That may mean that we need to do some (or alot) soul searching in order to be able to see things clearly. This is IMO maybe the most important part of our journey. I wasn't ready, I had more to figure out, and now I am doing it.

My thoughts are spinning so hard that I think ´my head will explode! LOL!

I truly love you all! Thank you for helping me!

/Hanna

[millieagain]

Hi -

Sorry to crash but Donna linked to here from another page and it's grabbed me.

I hadn't thought about not succeeding as a "jinx buster" before though I have thought of all sort of other reasons.

• Somehow I feel that a being overweight makes me softer than I would be otherwise. I've spent a lot of time lately affirming that my kind and loving self is not going to get all hard-edged if I happen to weigh 140lbs or if I give up this weight struggle.
• There is also the weird feeling that, if I'm thin, people won't see the struggle which has been a part of me for my whole life. I guess I see being thin as fraudulent. (ok - that's a new thought! Will have to process that a bit more.)

Thanks so much for this discussion.

Millie