When to tell....

[AmyLynn]

Dating for me is pretty uncomfortable. I've lost 130 pounds and I'm wearing a petite size 6. My waist is tiny, and I look great in clothes. I also like to dress sexy, so I wear a lot of things with spandex that hold everything in and are tight fitting. My issue is intimacy... and the thought of getting naked for the first time. I don't even wear shorts or anything sleeveless because of my "bat wings".

I date a lot, but have mostly first and second dates only and I think I sabotage the relationships because I'm still so ashamed of my body and don't want anyone to see me naked.

I joke about it sometimes. Friends that knew me before I lost the weight and tell me how wonderful I look, I just say... yeah, but naked I look like a Shar Pei puppy. I used to say a 90 year old woman... but puppies are a much better visual. (all puppies are cute).

The other night I had a date. I was meeting him late in the evening because I was going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting of women that had lost more then 100 pounds. Initially I just told him I was going to be in Laguna Hills with some friends, but then when we got together he asked me what I had been doing. (Laguna Hills is about an hour from where I'm living) I told him I'd been to an OA meeting. His response was "you don't need that".... I told him, yes, I did and that I'd lost over 100 pounds. He laughed and said "no, can't be".... the conversation ended, but I felt very uncomfortable.

How and when do you approach the subject, and what have been some of your experiences?

[patsfan52]

Hi Amy,


I'm in exactly the same postion as you, size wise, and weight loss wise. Because WW is such a huge part of my life now, I cannot imagine a conversation with a "new" person that doesn't include at least a mention of it. I think instead of focusing on how your body looks now, perhaps remembering how it looked before your weight loss may put things in perspective. I think too, that it's important to keep in mind that no body is perfect, not even the person's sitting across the table, and when his clothes are off, it may not all be pleasant either :) . To me it's all about the personality, and if that clicks, there's little you cannot overcome. Also, if it's that uncomfortable for you, may I gently suggest some weight training to put things back at least close to where they belong? It's done wonders for me, though I still do have excess skin issues in the thighs and stomach area. Good luck!

Jen

[travelingop]

Hi Amy,
I also can relate to you. I am also 34 and been divorced about 4 years as well. I have lost 50lbs and have about 20 more to go. Dating as you know is never easy and having insecurities makes it that much harder.
I hope this short story about my insecurities will help you... About 6 months ago I began dating someone, whom I liked very much. I had just started WW and was very committed to loosing weight/exercising. He told me upfront that he is attracted to thinner women, but has stood by women who had lost a substanial amount of weight. However, he was concerned because once the women lost the weight... they thought the grass would be greener somewhere else..(this of course made me insecure) Anways.. we continued dating, but though our dating I found myself talking a lot a bout being thinner, food choices I had made that day etc. Finally one evening I confronted him about my weight and how he felt about it. I was convinced that he wasn't attracted to me etc. Well, it blew up in my face! He told me that I was obcessed with loosing weight and how could I think that he was that shallow... This one conversation ended our relationship.
So, in essance.. I sabotaged the relationship because I focused to much on my weight and how I look. I still struggle with the same feelings, but I try not to bring it to the forefront of every relationship and everytime I meet somone.
I know it isn't easy...I still struggle with this.. but we have to remember.. he should love us.. at our new weight as well as our old. Beauty is skin deep!
My advice to you for what is worth...do not make a huge issue of it. I think it scares men away and I also think he should be more concerned about what is on the inside!
Best of luck...feel free to send me a message if you wish to chat more!
Elizabeth

[Cally]

Take my advice. Don't ever say anything to a man about your weight. If a man has an issue with your weight, believe me, he'll tell you. Then it's your choice. To do something about it, or let this man slide... It's always your choice.

I lost 102 lbs. through WW. After gaining 10 lbs./year for 10 years, while dealing with some VERY TOUGH! and MULTIPLE! life ISSUES! Not just for myself, but for my family.

Then I! chose to lose the weight for ME! Not anybody else, but ME! As I can tell you, that prior to this time, at one point, I weighed 113 lbs. at 5'4 and I was dating a guy who was always complaining that I was too fat. AFTER the relationship ended, I realized this was just his way of "badgering" me, because he knew I was so obsessed with my weight/workouts. This guy was a psychologist, he knew how to get to me and used it to his full advantage. We didn't have fights. We had "discussions" about my weight...

At any rate, I've always carried water with me. Since joining WW, I carry my WW mug with me everywhere. And ya know what? Not one single person, male or female, has ever mentioned the writing on that cup or my weight. When it fact, it's the writing on the wall - all they'll ever need to know about the MOST intimate side of me. That VERY weighty issue...

If a guy is really that shallow, the issue is probably with him and not you. If he wasn't attracted to you in the first place, he wouldn't be sitting across from you at the table.

So don't be in such a rush to jump into bed (as guys do tend to prefer the lights on). Give him something else to like about you first. And don't keep beating yourself up about the "issue." You've obviously lost the weight. Remember, you did it for YOU! Now sit back, relax and enjoy it.

There are A LOT! of frogs out there. But a few princes, too, who are simply looking for someone wonderful to spend time with/confide in. Why not let that person be you?

Take my advice. Don't ever say anything to a guy about your weight. Why give him the ammo? Because what most men are looking for (perhaps subconciously) in a relationship is the best way to get to you - for whenever they feel the need to level the playing field. Walk into a man with FULL confidence. Never, never, NEVER! let a man KNOW! YOU'VE! got a THING! about your WEIGHT! If THAT'S what REALLY get to you! As per those OA meetings you've been attending - deal with this where the proper support can be found and the feedback isn't meant to inflict harm on YOU!

And, yes, I know exactly where you're coming from. Ditto, ditto, ditto...

Cally

[travelingop]

Cally,
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful response. I believe that everything you said is true. I believe it is good advice and I will do my best to heed it.
Elizabeth

[Cally]

Eliabeth;

Just remember - your weight is your business. Not anybody else's. All YOU have to please is yourself.

And don't forget, men have their own insecurities...probably more than women; as women tend to form networks with other women for working out our "issues."

Have a GREAT! WEEKEND!

Cally

[AmyLynn]

The issue wasn't doing it for someone else... I've lost the weight for myself. The issue is looking sexy in clothes but eventually having to take them off. It's not something that can be ignored. The excess skin is a major issue. My stomach hangs like an apron, my arms are like bat wings, and my thighs and butt are wrinkled with excess skin. In clothes a little spandex hides everything. I wear only 3/4 lenth sleeves and won't wear shorts. I wear fitted clothes that show my tiny waist and curves. No one would ever know by looking at me dressed how horrible it is when I take my clothes off.
I guess the issue is finding someone that will love me unconditionally... but that doesn't happen. The guys I'm interested in run away, and the guys I'm not interested in I can't get rid of.

[Me4Me]

I am no longer a single, but I just thought I'd throw out my 2 cents about it. I think that if you feel secure enough and advanced enough in a relationship to have sex then you should be at a point where you are with one another for WHO you are not what you happen to look like at this point in time; therefore, whatever physical flaws you think you may have (and we all have those feelings about some part of our bodies), he really won't care and I bet he won't even notice.

For example, there's a certain aspect of my physical appearance (that I'm even too embarrassed to mention here :embarrass ) that I HATE and it's really something that I can't do much about and I was so worried about my then boyfriend now husband seeing or touching me on that area because of it. Long story short (which I know it's a little late for that), after mentioning it to him his response was, "Who cares? I know I don't" and I haven't worried about it since. Just my 2 cents, use it as you wish!

[CDL]

Okay, I've lost 78 lbs. I'm in a 10 (I'm 5'8). I look pretty hot. However, if I bend front ways over my getting close to a six pack disappears and a bunch of skin hangs. My breast have gone from 36DDD to 34 C and they look horrible I have to tuck and mush the extra skin into a bra. I haven't been with anyone in three years because as I told my Mom "I don't do fat sex". But now that I'm not "Fat" I worry that what I dress up in hot little outfits (sleevless tops that show off toned arms, bare mid drifts) will not live out when the strategically placed clothing disappears. I can't help thinking that someone will be disgusted by the breast or totally turned off by the stretch marks on my hips.

So, first I get what you're talking about it's not so much a love me for me thing it's about wanting to feel confident that someone is attracted to you.
I say you tell, not right away but before the spandex comes off. I think having been 100 + pounds overweight is a big thing and someone that you're in a relationship with does have the right to know. Being that overweight (and I started out real close to that so I'm not throwing stones) says something about a person as does having the fortitude to lose that much weight. It's a big part of who you are.
Second, I must admit that reading about your body issues makes me feel shallow for being hung up on mine. So, I'm determined to let go of mine. Maybe you should think about all those size 22 women still outthere and it will get you a little over yours. That sounds obnoxious, but what I mean is there's always someone out there you're hotter then and somebody hotter than you. Neither of us is a movie star or a model and I'm sure any of the regular guys we'd be dating will be dead grateful that a size 6 or a size ten is even considering shedding so much as a shoe in their pressence.

[Cally]

Most guys are just grateful for sex...

Cally

[Determined2Succeed]

Ok, I'm glad I got into a Size 20 pant today and not a 22! lol "Fat sex" OMG LMAO!

Seriously, though, if you just want to bang, then he will bang and not care what you look like and you shouldn't either. I used to be jealous of my 350+ friend who got more action than James Bond. But I had to step back and realize that 1) those guys were nothing to write home about, and 2) some women have no morals and just want to put out.

If, on the other hand, you really care for this guy and he is still around even though you haven't had sex, then most likely he isn't shallow.

Personally I do mention I'm on WW and have lost weight. If they don't like it or find it a turn off, then tough sh**. It's a part of my life, and will be for a very long time. It's great for weeding out the shallow losers. My motto: if he isn't interested in me fat, then I'm not interested in him when I'm not.

As for the excess skin: if it truly bothers you and exercise isn't cutting it (it can only tone so much of it) then consider surgery. I already told myself this is an option. I feel bad for those who have gastric bypass because the weight comes off way too fast for the skin to shrink. Still, only so much will shrink.

All in all, you have to do what makes you happy and confident!

[Caliyah]

To the OP, I am sure that you will need to tell the person you meet about who you truly are because who you were before is just as much a part of you now and they must accept your accomplishment and your commitment to yourself. Everyone has imperfections - no one is perfect so do not be so hard on yourself. It really is about your attitude and your self confidence and NOT what you think you look like. What you might think is a big deal might not be to someone who truly loves you.

IF this is affecting you to such a great degree consider plastic surgery - I am sure there are ways to finance it and you could do some research on qualified surgeons in you area. I heard of one on the news: http://www.scottsdaleplasticsurgeon.com/dr.html you might be interested in.

[susanac]

This is an old post, but after reading it I had to respond...


I don't agree with Cally's post. Maybe I've just been lucky enough to have dated great men, but I think we have to give men a little more credit. I mean, as women we wouldn't all want to be generalized.

I agree with Kelli... I think your weight loss is a huge part of your life. You will always remember what you were like and all of the hard work you put into getting to where you are. As a relationship develops, I'd open up to your guy. I'm not saying you'd have to do it on the first date, but don't be ashamed about it either.

The guys I've dated (including the one I'm with now) applaud my efforts to be more healthy. It's great to know that someone still thinks you're beautiful and sexy despite the fat, stretch marks, occasional low self esteem, etc. And, if a guy EVER makes you feel like you're not good enough as who you are (weight related or not) kick him to the curb!! There are plenty of amazing men out there who know that they aren't perfect and sure as heck don't expect a woman to be either!

So, don't feel pressured to tell your life story right away, but don't write off ever doing it either. I hope you find someone who you're comfortable enough with where it feels natural to share.

Good luck!

[Radcliffe]

I completely disagree with the advice to not talk about it. What kind of relationship do you expect to have if you can't share insecurities along with successes and joys? If you want a relationship that is real and loving and worthwhile, you should be able to share everything. Otherwise it's a waste of time.
Just my 2cents.

Laura

[Rebecca123]

Okay… a long story, but there’s a point to it…

Exactly one year ago, I had lost a lot of weight. (80lbs actually, over the course of two years.) So I was feeling great and looking great. I wasn’t at my ideal weight, but because I am tall, I could carry that extra 20 pounds and still feel sexy. Guys were coming up to me in clubs, and I was reeling with the attention. It was even a bit scary.


Around that time I started dating again, and met a guy through the internet who thought I was amazing. One day, we were all snuggly and watching that movie “Seven” (as in the seven deadly sins). We were watching that scene where the guy dies because of Gluttony, and my boyfriend made a comment that stuck in my mind. “Gross. I hate fat people”. It was an eye-opener for me. I mean, for someone not to be attracted to someone is one thing, but to actually hate people for their appearance? I knew then and there that our relationship was doomed, because in my mind, I knew I was still “a fat chick” inside. And I knew that I could never tell him I had once been obese. And also, I realized that if I gained any weight, he would be out the door.


Fast forward to this year. I started dating a new guy who couldn’t get enough of my curves. I felt like a goddess to him. BUT….He didn’t like the attention I received from other men. Little did I realize that he started sabotaging my weight loss efforts. (Insisting that I try some sweet, because “there’s nothing to you” "Oh, come on... do it for me"…. or even mocking me about going for a run in the middle of the rain) Small things that started to add up. By the end of spring, when he dumped me, I had gained quite a bit of the weight back. And in the remaining months on my own, I sunk into such a depression that I managed to gain 50 of those well-lost pounds back!!!!!!! HORRIBLE. I can’t believe I let myself sink so low, and treat myself so poorly.


So… why the long story? I just want to say that the right sort of guy will totally encourage your weight loss efforts. And he will be mature enough to realize that age and experience affect our bodies, and will not feel intimidated by your weight loss/success.

One day, I will get back to the great weight I reached last November… And I will even surpass it and reach my ideal goal weight. But in the meantime, I am not going to mince words or pretend that this is not a struggle. I need to be with someone who can respect and understand that. Someone who will think I am a total Hottie, regardless of how much weight I lose or how my body looks without clothes. Right now, I don’t think I am ready to date yet. I don’t have that attitude back quite yet.

I just started WW four weeks ago and tomorrow is my 4th weigh-in. I’ve lost 11 lbs which is a great start, but I have 60.2 more to go…. When I get there… I’m sure someone will find me cute enough to want to date. And as for the sex thing… Guys are much less obsessed with how we look than we imagine. And what we see as “so many flaws” are definitely not so noticeable to a guy who is just thrilled “to get his hands on our naked bods”. *laugh*

[R1 GIRL]

Wow, there are some really amazing suggestions and opinions on here! I think that essentially though, it comes down to personal decisions and choices and how you feel about things yourself.

Personally, I don't really want to have a heart to heart with any man I am dating about his or my weight issues, I think that those kinds of things are personal and honestly I wouldn't want to hear a manly man going on about his "weight issues" nor do I imagine he wants to hear about mine, however, that is just me and my opinion, I don't necessarily think it is right for everyone.

That said though, I do let anyone I am dating know that being healthy - eating well and exercising (fitness) on a regular basis are a big part of my life. I also want the person I am with to have those things as pretty high on their list of priorities as well. It makes staying on track easier for me and it makes my attraction to the guy that much stronger if he is looking good too. hehe!

Perhaps my feelings stem from the fact that I don't necessarily feel super proud of my weight loss, more so I am not impressed with the fact that I let myself gain so much weight in the first place. Now that I am back in the "normal" and "healthy" weight range for my height/age, I feel that staying there is just something that should be done, for my self confidence and heck, if I want a buff guy, I should be able to offer up at least something similar or in the same ballpark... if you know what I mean. ;) I've always been attracted to muscular guys and if I am a big fatty, do I really deserve someone who takes care of themselves a lot better than I do? Nah... so that is motivation enough for me. Yeah I am a bit harsh, but we are all different and lose the weight for different reasons.

Like a past poster on here, I also gained weight because a boyfriend said he "loved my curves" and then proceeded to take me out to dinner every night... I let him and figured heck, how long can this last anyway? I put on the weight and then when we split, after I had gained a heck of a lot, didn't feel so great anymore. I have to watch for that happening again and remember my favorite saying in the whole world... "NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS."

[Melissa73]

I just wanted to share a little story with you and I hope it helps.

I have always been a pretty happy and outgoing woman with alot of confidence. I wasn't ALWAYS big and when I wasn't big I was a HOT mama. Very toned and sexy. I always had confidence and I carried that confidence along with me as I got bigger. I was probably in denial alot...telling myself i'm not THAT big...or i'm not as big as THAT girl. But I knew deep down inside I was big. I had my insecurities but I still felt good about the person that I was on the inside...I was pretty, I had curves and big boobs....and yeah I was FAT...but some guys still thought I was attractive.

Well before I started weight watchers....I was at my heaviest weight 235lbs...(which is only 16.2lbs away from what I weigh right now...LOL). I am a back up singer for an Elvis impersonator and he has a REALLY great band that he uses from time to time that come down from Canada. Well the HOTTEST guy wanted me...I was shocked. we dated for 6 months...he never cared about my weight...but he ended up being a jerk afterwards...not weight issues...just OTHER issues. Anyway, his best friend confronted me after we broke up. Told me that he was always jealous of me and his friend being together. He wanted to ask me out but his friend got to me first. Now mind you this guy is half my size....but very, very attractive. (the guy I dated was very tall and on the larger size...so we fit together nicely, even if he wasn't fat...LOL) anyway...he told me one time....do you know what is so attractive about you? I said no...what is it, my eyes, my smile...ya know the things that are NOT FAT about me. But he said, no it's your confidence....that sexy look in your eye and the way you carry yourself.

I guess my point is....if you feel good about yourself and you love yourself....no matter how you look...you are just automatically going to be more attractive and appealing. Men don't think women who are insecure are attractive....but if you know you look good and you ACT like you look good and carry yourself in a way that shows that you like who you are.....I guarantee you will get more dates, you will BECOME more confident...and you will lose the fear of being naked and not being wanted for who you are.

So strut your HOT stuff, smile and hold your head up high. YOu have accomplished alot and SHOULD Be proud of where you are today!!!