lafnsing
07-11-2004, 05:02 PM
My memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose
a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs
and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally
forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So...what are you here
for?"
Talk about a showstopper.
Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best
baritone voice. I thought, "Great..a name to match the idiot."
I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Tawyna !" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right
hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything
clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, " Tawyna ...try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Tawyna skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy,
but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly
healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.
Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's
Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch
piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side
finished, Tawyna flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.
Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness.
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Tawyna headed for
the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted.
Tawyna kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life.
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbefief, if I knew the power was
off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Tawyna breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I
went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps.....
a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs
and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally
forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So...what are you here
for?"
Talk about a showstopper.
Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best
baritone voice. I thought, "Great..a name to match the idiot."
I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Tawyna !" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right
hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything
clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, " Tawyna ...try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Tawyna skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy,
but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly
healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.
Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's
Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch
piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side
finished, Tawyna flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.
Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness.
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Tawyna headed for
the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted.
Tawyna kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life.
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbefief, if I knew the power was
off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Tawyna breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I
went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps.....