Jeannie C
08-11-2003, 03:10 PM
Hello! I'm stealing Cordy's topic from the other thread because I think it's important.
I know why I am single. It's not because I'm too heavy or unattractive, etc. I think I have real issues with men. My father (whom I deeply love) was a severe alcoholic growing up. Not only was he verbally abusive but he was physically abusive to both myself, my brother and my mother. I watched my mother get hit all the time. As both my brother and I got older and bigger, we literally started fighting back. I was sick of having the living daylights beat out of me but I was even more distraught over my mother suffering from abuse. She tried to leave but everyone encourgaged her to stay...even her parents.
My mother was young when she had me - 18 - with no other education beyond high school. She wanted to be a vet but nobody encouraged her to pursue her dreams. Anyway, over the years, my mother got a little older and a little wiser. Finally, she went from having no control over her life to controlling her life. She started to fight back. I admire her for that.
Today, my parents are still married and my dad is very good to my mother. I don't know if it's out of guilt or what but you would be amazed by how different he is. Still, those memories still haunt me. With the help of Al-anon and theraphy, it's gotten better but I still am very defensive and stand-offish around me. I don't want to put myself in the position that my mother was in. Logically, I know that I am strong enough to leave that situation. Logically, I know not every man is like my dad was in the early days but still... I do things to sabotage a potential relationship and I always wonder what a man's ulterior motive is when he expresses interest in me. It makes me so sad because I know I have so much to give.
I think food has been a way for me to hide. I think if I eat, then I'll gain weight and nobody will want me. Then, I won't have to put myself into a relationship where I could potentially get hurt. Fear of a relationship is something that I would love to overcome but I'm not too sure how to begin the healing process.
Sometimes, I think if I could just tell my dad what his actions have done, it would make me feel better. ALthough, I'm sure he already knows. However, just the act of sitting face to face world probably do me a world of good.
Well, thanks for letting me spill my guts. This has been on my mind for a while and this is a perfect forum to lay it out there. smile.gif
I know why I am single. It's not because I'm too heavy or unattractive, etc. I think I have real issues with men. My father (whom I deeply love) was a severe alcoholic growing up. Not only was he verbally abusive but he was physically abusive to both myself, my brother and my mother. I watched my mother get hit all the time. As both my brother and I got older and bigger, we literally started fighting back. I was sick of having the living daylights beat out of me but I was even more distraught over my mother suffering from abuse. She tried to leave but everyone encourgaged her to stay...even her parents.
My mother was young when she had me - 18 - with no other education beyond high school. She wanted to be a vet but nobody encouraged her to pursue her dreams. Anyway, over the years, my mother got a little older and a little wiser. Finally, she went from having no control over her life to controlling her life. She started to fight back. I admire her for that.
Today, my parents are still married and my dad is very good to my mother. I don't know if it's out of guilt or what but you would be amazed by how different he is. Still, those memories still haunt me. With the help of Al-anon and theraphy, it's gotten better but I still am very defensive and stand-offish around me. I don't want to put myself in the position that my mother was in. Logically, I know that I am strong enough to leave that situation. Logically, I know not every man is like my dad was in the early days but still... I do things to sabotage a potential relationship and I always wonder what a man's ulterior motive is when he expresses interest in me. It makes me so sad because I know I have so much to give.
I think food has been a way for me to hide. I think if I eat, then I'll gain weight and nobody will want me. Then, I won't have to put myself into a relationship where I could potentially get hurt. Fear of a relationship is something that I would love to overcome but I'm not too sure how to begin the healing process.
Sometimes, I think if I could just tell my dad what his actions have done, it would make me feel better. ALthough, I'm sure he already knows. However, just the act of sitting face to face world probably do me a world of good.
Well, thanks for letting me spill my guts. This has been on my mind for a while and this is a perfect forum to lay it out there. smile.gif