anyone do the rules? --- anyone post here anymore?

[misslily]

I have a "rules" question. If anyone has read the book, I would love your opinion about a birthday celebration for a guy I'm dating.

[grad02tara]

hi...i was hoping that somebody would post on this forum. I am single and without kids. I do not generally do the rules but I have read the book. I'd love to help you find the direction with the "boy's" birthday! How long have you been dating? How serious of a committment have you two made verbally?

Let me know

Tara

[misslily]

Hi Tara!

Thanks for responding!!! o.k., we were friends for about 6 months and started dating a little over 2 months ago - seeing each other generally once a week (a bit more recently). It is progressing nicely. He is a total gentleman and our dating thus far has actuially been sort of formal -- he calls way in advance for dates, picks me up, pays for everything. Our time together in person has become more and more affectionate, but we do not comunicate a ton beyond the dates - we don't talk or email every day. I know he is not dating anyone else, but I wouldn't say he was my boyfriend. Enough background?

His birthday in on Sunday and I last week I asked if he wanted to celebrate on another day because he will be out of town on the actual day. We agreed on Thursday (tomorrow). I asked his friend what I might get for him that wouldn't be "too much" and he suggested a gift certificate for a 30 minutes massage. I got that and I had planned on also cooking him dinner (traditional Nigerian food...I'm Nigerain). Not knowing what I had planned, he called yesterday and suggested we go out to dinner tomorrow. I agreed (happily because it is such a busy time right now & less work).

Here is my question? It is really kind of out of my budget to pay for dinner too - which is why I was planning on making it. My roommate suggested giving him the massage gift certificate and a "coupon" for a home cooked Nigerian dinner on a night of his choice, but not paying for dinner since he suggested it. Is that o.k. or should I suck it up and put dinner on a credit card or something? I guess I could also just pay for dinner and not give him anything else, but I wanted to give him a gift. Most importantly,I don't want to overwhelm him - you know?

I'm sorry.....As I type what seems like the 5th paragraph on this subject, I think I'm thinking way too much about it. Better than eating though right?

Thanks for humoring me. Tell me about what is going on for you dating wise...

[grad02tara]

Hi, sorry it took so long to get back to you. I think that you should suck it up and at least try to pay for it. Maybe he will be the perfect gentleman and refuse to let you and in that case offer him the Nigerian dinner date on any night of his choice to make up for it.
I recently got out of a relationship which was about one year long with a childhood friend. Six months was long distance-Newfoundland and i'm in Ontario. Then he moved here and it just didn't work out..so i'm single again. Feeling kind of hopeless about men right now so it's good to hear about your perfect gentleman.

Tara

[grad02tara]

sorry, i just realized that my advice was several days too late. Let me know how it turned out.
tara

[Alleycat76]

Miss Lily!

Hi! I have just ordered a copy of "the rules" on line, so can't wait for it to come...

I've had no success in dating this far in, so can only hope it makes some difference..

How did your date go? Did it work out?

[msangel01]

What is this book "The Rules" about?

[Crystalfire]

I think that the Rules are about dating. I read a couple of things on the internet about it. It seems to be a system that gives you Do's and Don'ts for dealing with men.

Some of it seems very old-fashioned to me, like men making the first move, and giving up on a guy if he doesn't propose in two years. (I personally don't believe everyone has to get married) But I haven't read the book, so I am only going by what I heard about it.

[Alleycat76]

It is very old fashioned, but everything else I've tried hasn't worked, so why not give this a go.. I'm not intending to follow it like the 10 commandments, but I'll read it with an open mind, and take a few pointers from it.. I'll let you know when I get it what I think about it..

[Chez130]

Hello EveryBuddy!!! graemlins/wave.gif SSSSShhhhhhh! Don't tell my DH, but I did "The Rules" on him and it worked like a charm! Initially, it went against my way of thinking, but I thought, "well, I'm not getting anywhere on my own, I might as well try it." It changed my thinking and I never changed back. I'm much happier now. I read "The Rules" about 6 months before meeting "Mr. Right" then we dated for about a year and a half, then he proposed, and 6 months later we were married! 2 years exactly after we started dating. Our first date was May 8th, our marriage date was May 1st two years later. We now have a 2 1/2 year old DS and I'm a SAHM. My dreams have come true! I think I have the best marriage ever and I'm a lot nicer to him than I would have been if I were still the "old me".

As far as the question at hand, I think I would have been too embarrassed to give him a "massage coupon", but I would have given him a nice (not mushy) card and offered to make him the Nigerian dinner sometime. I wouldn't have paid for the meal. He was the one who wanted to go out. Just my $.02. :D

[Lady_in_Boots]

Misslilly!!! What happened on the birthday?? WHat did you do and how did it turn out?!?!?

I've never heard of this 'rules' thing before...I was married 9 years and have been single for 5 now. I am now involved with the most amazing man I couldnt even dream of...we met on an internet dating site and there's no going back. We're running thru our days hand in hand playing things off the cuff, neither really knowing what we're doing or following any rules as we've both come off marriages...is there something we should know???

[misslily]

Wow - It seem like ages ago since I last wrote. What with the holidays and I just came back from a trip.

The dinner went pretty well. However, before our date, he called and asked me to drive over to his place ( a major "rules" no-no) and then we would go out from there. I couldn't say "no" and drove over reluctantly. I brought a bottle of wine for dinner & gave him his gift certificate (which he was thrilled with). When the check came, he grabbed it and insisted on paying. I left to drive myself home pretty soon after the dinner. He was pretty upset that I wasn't going to stay over - oh well.

Fade in, fade out - we spent New Years together and went for a weekend in NYC. The trip was the most time I've spent with him and very revealing. I'm at the stage now where I don't think he is Mr. Right. I enjoyed being his friend and dating him, but I'm seeing some behavior that makes me not want to be his girlfriend and beyond. He can be a bit spoiled and selfish.

The night before the trip he calls and says "o.k., see you at the gate tomorrow". I was put out by that. I expected that since we were going on a trip together, we would go to the airport together and if not, at least have some conversation about it beyond "see you at the gate". The rest of the trip was something of a disaster. More of the same behavior on his part and me withdrawing.

We talked after the NYC trip and he apologized for his behaviour - saying it was the stress of his work presentations and his sensing that I was upset by something that made him act weird. I think is is best to go by people's behaviour, not what they say. He is going to be stressed again sometime in life and he is likely to react in much the same way. Oh well , NYC was fun and I got a couple of great purses in Chinatown. I guess I should consult the book about what to do now....

Tara, thanks for your advice

Chez 130 -- thanks for the success story. Just to clarify, I got him a gift certificate for a PROFESSIONAL massage at a spa ( at the suggestion of his best friend). I wondered if your thought I was going to give him one at home...

alleycat76 - did you get the book yet?

Lady_in_boots -- "the rules" is a book about how to act on dates through commitment, through marriage - it is a based on the theory that men need to pursue women and that women need to get out of the way and let them do that . I stresses only dating guys who treat you really, really, really well. I think that sums it up.

Thanks for all the responses!

[Chez130]

Misslily-OOPS! odear.gif Sorry! I thought YOU were going to give the massage! I'm sorry it isn't going well, and I hope you find "Mr. Right" soon. I agree, I think it was very rude of him to "meet you at the gate". It was treating you more as a friend than a girlfriend. I hope you weren't put off by my success story, I just wanted to give you some faith (and hope) in following The Rules. They do work! Wishing you the best! smile.gif

[misslily]

Chez130 -- On the contrary, I'm inspired by your success story - It has motivated me to keep going with them. No doubt I'll be consulting you - coach :D

[Chez130]

Hi, Misslily! I'll be your coach anytime! "The Rules" changed my life and I'm very grateful. BTW, I met my DH through the newspaper. :D That's a bit shocking, isn't it? :eek: My parents were less than thrilled when they found out, but it turned out okay. He's a college graduate with a good job. Of course, you have to be extra careful out there. I had one guy try to follow me home from work. We had only been out one time and he didn't know where I lived. I got scared and went to the Y instead (I was a member back then) because it was a public place and he drove away. I never saw him again. Stupid me for telling him where I worked! graemlins/ugh.gif

[calgal]

I have to say, I'm a big fan of The Rules. I used to think it was silly, didn't go along with what I believe at all, but following them makes you far less likely to have your entire life revolve around pleasing someone else (a man) and trying to get that guy to treat you well. If you insist on being treated well from the start (i.e. picked up for dates, having dates paid for when he asked you) and if you have a life outside of the guy, you'll be a much happier person.

That said, The Rules aren't for everyone -- they're designed for people who want to get married within a certain time frame (no dating for 7 years without commitment, no moving in together, etc.). Obviously, that doesn't mean that no one will get married unless they follow The Rules, either. Just a bunch of suggestions.

P.S.: I didn't follow "The Rules" when dating my DH, but I do have The Rules for married couples -- and I do follow them! (They have some very helpful pointers, like don't call DH at work every 5 minutes to complain about what's going on, don't "let yourself go" and think you don't have to care how you look anymore because you're not "on the market," don't smother them by insisting that you do everything together, etc.)

[katibtrfly]

what ARE some more of the rules??

kati

[Alleycat76]

Hi Guys!! I've got the book but I haven't finished reading it.. Here are some of the rules (very briefly!!)
-Don't talk to a man first, and don't ask him to dance;
- Don't Meet Him Halfway or go dutch on a date;
- Don't call him;
- Always end phone calls first;
- If he doesn't call, he's not that interested. Period!!;
- Don't Accept a Saturday night date if he asks you later than Wednesday;
- Always end the date first;
- Don't see him more than once or twice a week;
- No more than casual kissing on the first date;
- Don't open up too fast;
- Be honest but mysterious.

The whole point is to appear that you already have a fulfilled life, and that he is not going to be the centre of it. I think anyway, I'm still reading! And not to appear too desperate, which makes sense!

[katibtrfly]

i went and bought the book!

i felt like a dork at the check-out counter, but oh well smile.gif hehe

kati

[Meisha]

I'm glad I browsed in here! I have never had any desire to read that book, but after being single for a year and a half, I'm thinking now might be the time to go get it!
Though, I have to say I'll probably feel pretty shmuckish buying it! Oh well, I want a good man and I want him now!! Preferably one with a bit of cash, I'm tired of fighting with my ex for child support, I want someone who's openly giving in that old fashioned manly kind of way! Geez, I sound silly, but it's all sooo true!

[Westwynd]

Very interesting... I've never heard of this book. But after reading all your comments on it, I'm going to order it as well. I've always been one to try to be a "pleaser" and I think it's time I let the guy do a little chasing! ;)

I'll let you know how it works.