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Thread: "A Woman's Week at the Gym"

  1. #1

    Default "A Woman's Week at the Gym"

    I got this in an email, and had to share it! (No offense meant)!!!

    A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

    Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
    diary to chart my progress.
    ________________________________
    MONDAY:
    Started my day at
    6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    ________________________________
    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
    _______________________________
    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
    Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
    His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other *!*!*!*! too.
    _______________________________
    THURSDAY:
    *!*!*!*!*!*!*! was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
    He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny *!*!*!*!*! to find me.
    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
    _________________________________
    FRIDAY:
    I hate that *!*!*!*!*!*!*! Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
    Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    ________________________________
    SATURDAY:
    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
    ________________________________
    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

    Bob





  2. #2

    Default Re: "A Woman's Week at the Gym"

    Very funny - Love it!
    With perseverance, even the snail made it to the ark - Charles H. Spurgeon

















  3. #3

    Default Re: "A Woman's Week at the Gym"

    Love this - I just emailed this out to the girls at work!!
    ~Amy~

    Quit Smoking: 10/1/12 ~ For the last time!!


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