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Thread: So You Want To Have Children?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Roseville, California
    Replies
    8,046

    Default So You Want To Have Children?

    So You Want To Have Children?

    Preparation
    Women:

    * Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
    * Leave it there.
    * Every week, add another beanbag.
    * After 9 months, remove 2 beanbags.

    Men:

    * Go to your pharmacy.
    * Empty your wallet on the counter.
    * Tell the pharmacist to help himself
    * Go to the supermarket.
    * Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their front office.
    * Go home.
    * Read the newspaper… for the last time.

    Knowledge

    * Find a couple with children.
    * Berate them about their lack of discipline, lack of patience, low tolerance, and how their children run wild.
    * Suggest how they can improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and general behavior.
    * Enjoy it while it lasts. It's the last time you'll have all the answers.

    Nights

    * Turn the radio on to some loud screaming station.
    * Walk around the room from 5 to 10 PM carrying a 10 pound bag of wet goo while the station screams.
    * At 10 PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
    * Get up at 11 and walk the bag around until 1 AM.
    * Set the alarm for 3. Since you can’t get to sleep, get up at 2 and make tea.
    * Go to bed at 2:30.
    * Get up at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.
    * Sing songs in the dark until 4.
    * Set the alarm for 5. Get up when it goes off.
    * Make breakfast.
    * Repeat for four years. Look cheerful!

    Dressing Small Children

    * Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
    * Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
    * Time allowed: 5 minutes.

    Cars

    * Sell the BMW.
    * Buy a 5-door wagon.
    * Put a large chocolate ice cream cone in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
    * Put a peanut butter sandwich in the CD player.
    * Mash a box of chocolate cookies into the back seat.
    * Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Going For a Walk

    * Wait.
    * Go out the front door.
    * Go back inside.
    * Go outside.
    * Come back in.
    * Go outside.
    * Walk down the front sidewalk.
    * Walk back up it.
    * Walk down it again.
    * Walk very slowly along the street for 5 minutes.
    * Stop at every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead bug along the way. Inspect each minutely. Ask at least 6 questions about each.
    * Retrace your steps.
    * Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
    * Give up and go back into the house.
    * Repeat for 5 years.

    Patience

    * Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

    Grocery Shopping

    * Go to the supermarket. Take along the nearest thing to a pre-school child: a fully grown goat. (If you plan to have more than one child, take more than one goat.)
    * Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) get out of your sight.
    * Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

    Feeding a 1 year-old

    * Prepare a bowl of cornflakes.
    * Hollow out a melon through a small hole in one side.
    * Suspend the melon from the ceiling.
    * Swing it back and forth.
    * Spoon the soggy cornflakes into the swaying melon while making airplane noises.
    * When at least half of the cornflakes are gone, pour the rest on your clothes and the floor.

    TV

    * Learn the names of every character from every episode of the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, and every Disney movie.
    * Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

    Cleanliness

    * Smear peanut butter on your sofa.
    * Smear jam on your curtains.
    * Hide a fish behind the stereo. Leave it there all summer.
    * Stick your fingers in dirt. Rub them on your walls.
    * Color your other walls with crayons.

    Traveling

    * Make a recording of someone shouting “Mommy!” over and over. (There may be no more than 4 seconds between each shout.)
    * Include the occasional crescendo to the approximate decibel level of a fighter jet.
    * Play this tape in your car continuously the 5 years.

    Conversations

    1. Start a conversation with another adult.

    2. Have someone else continually tug on your pants and shirtsleeves while playing the tape prepared above.
    Get Dressed

    1. On a day when you have an important meeting, wear your nicest work attire.

    3. Put 1 cup of lemon juice into a cup of cream. Stir.

    5. Pour half of it on your shirt.

    6. Saturate a towel with the other half.

    7. Attempt to clean your shirt by rubbing it with the saturated towel.

    8. Do not change clothes. You're late already!

    9. Go directly to work.



    You are now ready to have children.
    Donna
    SW 310
    GOAL 12/4/07
    Proud to a Vegan WW.
    "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." Michael Pollan
    "Well, it seems to be working for me." Dr Michael Culmer
    "Nuts are in hard shells for reasons." Dr John McDougall
    "The salad IS the main course." Dr Joel Fuhrman

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Pacific Northwest
    Replies
    18,491

    Talking Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    LOL!

    LOVED it!
    May you be happy. May you be well. May you be free from suffering.

    Check out my website! Plant-Powered.com






    .

  3. Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Oh so funny, where was this advice 17years ago!!!!!

  4. #4

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Hilarious! AND accurate!
    Mel
    DD Alexis born 11/04!
    DS Aiden born 12/06!






  5. #5

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    So true!! I am sending this one to my kids!
    ~*Melodee*~


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Charlotte, NC
    Replies
    0

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Wow db and i definitely have somethings to talk about! lol

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Seattle
    Replies
    0
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    This was so funny I had to pass it along.

  8. #8
    Aditswimbug Guest

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Oh my goodness, how funny. I don't have any kids, but in a few years I will probably have forgotten this wise post

  9. #9

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    LOL! If I let DH see this we may never have kids!
    Chessie

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Northern California
    Replies
    1,428

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Oh Donna......so wise you are...so true this is...

    For those of you who don't have kids and think, she's just really
    exaggerating...go ahead and have them....you'll find out....LOL
    And for those of us who have had them.....

    So wise...so true....SO FUNNY! Because it's so true!

    Sue
    S/W - 268.5 lbs
    C/W - 166.8 lbs
    Total lost - 101.7
    Goal Weight - 04/20/08
    Lifetime - 05/21/08
    Became WW leader in December 08

    Thanks Jean!

    "Many of life's failures, are people who did not realize how close they were to success, when they gave up"


  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Anchorage, AK
    Replies
    958

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    This was really cute.
    SW: 239.0 (12.30.10) CW: 233.6 (01.05.12) GW: 150
    Loss: 5.4 lbs thus far

  12. #12

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Going to my DD who is 3 month pregnant with her first. This is the girl who has her shoes in boxes in her closet organized by year purchased. The same girl who would change MY calendar months when I'm behind and fill in all my important dates..........boy, is she in for some changes!
    ~Nancy in SJ

    HW 152
    CW 144
    GW 138


    "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend, inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

    www.englishsetterrescue.org

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Central Florida
    Replies
    1,810

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    For those of you reading this that are childless, and laughing....

    THIS IS ALL TRUE

    I laughed out loud reading this

    My kids are 19 and 21...I did my time already!
    **Sharyn**
    "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!" ~ Jimmy Buffet

    SW: 169
    CW: 161
    GW: 140

  14. #14

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    I am a full time nanny of four boys ages 6,4,3,and 6 months, and ALL of these things are true. I tell people all the time being a nanny is the best birth control EVER!.
    April
    HW 370/CW 307.4/ GW 150
    http://redd2lose.webs.com/ My Blog and Website

    TEAM RED

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Seattle
    Replies
    0
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    I just re-read this and it was just as funny today!!!

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Roseville, California
    Replies
    8,046

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    I had forgotten how funny this is!

    It made me laugh all over again.
    Donna
    SW 310
    GOAL 12/4/07
    Proud to a Vegan WW.
    "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." Michael Pollan
    "Well, it seems to be working for me." Dr Michael Culmer
    "Nuts are in hard shells for reasons." Dr John McDougall
    "The salad IS the main course." Dr Joel Fuhrman

  17. #17
    KellyGreen Guest

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    OMG I love it! My youngest is 5 and I feel like the hardest years are behind me..we shall see...

  18. #18

    Default Re: So You Want To Have Children?

    Rofl - Just sent it to my DIL. She has 2 under 4yo.
    Hoppy

    Lifetime - 02/22/08

    I will not weigh more tomorrow morning than I did this morning! ~Colleen

    http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com - please click daily

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