My top weight was 265 and my lowest weight was 173.5. I remember the numbers like one remembers oneís phone number or social security number.

What Iíve gained: 49 pounds back. Backaches, headaches, stomaches, leg aches. Pain. Lethary. Weariness.

What Iíve gained: the knowledge that I can lose the fat. Iíve been fat all of my life and it was always easier to believe that I was destined to be the fat one, the sister, the mother figure, the friend, the jokester, the fun one. While I never reached goal before I went astray, I did reach a level of thinness and my life was transformed. Losing weight did not solve all of the problems in my life but it did solve a few: less back pain, more activity, new experiences, courage, better clothes, more self-esteem, better intimacy with my DH, more focus on my career and skills. Did I still have problems? Sure. But losing a lot of weight helped with more than a few.

What Iíve gained: the knowledge that Weight Watchers with BCB works. I flirted with dieting before but never even acknowledge that I wanted to lose weight because I knew I was not committed, it was just a passing fancy. When I found BCB in January 2003, I knew this was the place for commitment. This was a place for folks to support one another; folks were not afraid to ask the hard questions and make sure answers were forthcoming.

What Iíve gained: the knowledge that it came on over time and it will come off over time. Itís hard to start-over. It's easier to indulge in self-pity and not do anything about it. Itís difficult to acknowledge I went astray and now I am starting farther back than I was 3 years ago. Itís tempting to go on a fad diet or fast for a while in hopes that Iíll do something sensible once I get some of this regain off again. Yet I know that if I lose weight on a fad Iíll gain it right back and then some because itís not liveable. I put the weight on over weeks and it will come off over weeks.

What Iíve gained: the knowledge that I can come home again, that I can take stock of where I turned off the road to health and wellness, and, yes, even more fashionable clothes. I can ask for help. I can give up the shame. I can be accountable. I can be healthy. Iíve gained friends, Iíve gained a family. Iíve gained love for myself because I can recognize, reorganize, reframe and get moving.

What Iíve gained: is the choice Ė to stop the cycling, stop the crazy train, stop the excuses, stop the procrastination, stop the minimizing. What Iíve gained back is myself. :bcbsalute